02- From Bad to Worse

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[Jack appears on the Astral plane, his coat gone. The front of his shirt is covered in blood, and he looks more dazed than anything, half wondering half stumbling. He mumbles to himself as he walks, an almost blank look on his face] Their dead. I couldn't even save Rhys for Gwen, and now so man people are dead. Why doesn't the blood come off......

[ooc: *cough* Do to his recent interaction with Simm!Master, Jack's mental state has gone from somewhat bad but manageable, to  a few steps from just loosing it completely. Which, of course, reflects on his reality, which in turn makes things worse >>

Oh, and just for the record; any post before this is basically pre!return, so he'll be his normal self there u-u]

Comments

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[he quickly assesses the situation and uses a more careful hand] It's happened. Civilian?

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[doesn't answer for the longest time, just continues to look past the Brigadier] Her husband. Her idiotic husband who survived a bullet but couldn't survive this.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Wait here a moment, Captain.

[he drops off the Astral Plane and returns with a chair from his office]

I think you ought to sit down.

[he's no medic, but he knows better than to check anything when a soldier is having any sort of meltdown, best just to let them calm down]

How bad was it, Mr. Harkness?

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[plops down on the chair, his eyes on Brig, though completely unfocused] A slaughter. A complete slaughter of the few people left.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[the Brig's eyes narrow at that] ...I understand. [he nods firmly, and speaks very carefully] But you can't let yourself fall apart, Captain. You're the leader, aren't you? Even if there is no one left, you have to go on and do them justice.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[rather than obtaining a reaction, agreement, anger, anything, he gets only a blank look] I can't die; why does everyone ask if I'm ok, as if it mattered?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

It's human, Harkness. Or at the very least, people are capable of being concerned for you regardless of that fact.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

There's no reason to care about a murderer, is there? It's not even my blood...

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[a pause] ...Did you kill someone intentionally?

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head once, looking down] I really did try to save them. Tried to save them all, tried to save at least one...I failed. Had to be a way to stop them, but couldn't even figre it out; I might as well have killed them myself.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[sternly] That isn't murder, Harkness. I don't want to hear you calling yourself that again unless it is actually the case.

[back to a calm sort of tone] It's just failure - there's nothing to be done about it now.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

Nothing to do about it now, always next time...except next time they still die, and I can't even join them honorably.

Sacrificing your life doesn't mean crap if you're just going to wake up again.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

That's what this type of work is - equal parts death and protection. If they die, you have to try to keep the ones still alive safe. Even if they die, you're still there, soldier, and dying won't bring any of them back. [he rests his hand on Jack's shoulder]

You can't save everyone. All you can do is... do what you can with what you have. If you can just wake up again, it means you can take a bullet for a soldier under you or a civilian caught up in the fray.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[nods, but just continues to look at the Brigadier numbly, finally speaking up moments later] What if I'm tired of being the one that survives?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Then you retire - and you hope whomever takes your position does they best they can.

[hard exhale] Otherwise, you've got a duty to uphold. Not just to yourself, but to whoever is under you.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head slowly, looking down at the blood] I can't do that. The Doctor can't fix me, can't make me better again....Torchwood has been the only thing that I had to work for after I found him. If I leave...what then?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

And how can you work for Torchwood if you're like this, Harkness? Not the blood, but your head. I know shock when I see it - sometimes a few days of leave can fix it. Sometimes it never quite leaves.

[he pauses] You can't let yourself fall apart over something that can't be prevented now.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head again, eyes looking more unfocused than ever] Give me a few days here, then I can go back and start acting again, pretending for their sake...

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

That's basically what being an officer is. No matter how terrified you may be, you can't let anyone know or see. If you do, everything falls to Hell.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

They did just fine when I left them, back when it was all four.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

A group can operate without the leader temporarily, yes. You came back, though? If all of them were still alive and they saw you break down like this, they'd feel it as well. A terrified leader terrifies the troops.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

What about a leader who's a coward?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Then that leader had better learn how to carry on despite their cowardice or step down.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

Once a coward always a coward, that's what they say...

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Captain - that's enough. Self-pitying and wallowing in depression won't solve a bloody thing.