02- From Bad to Worse

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[Jack appears on the Astral plane, his coat gone. The front of his shirt is covered in blood, and he looks more dazed than anything, half wondering half stumbling. He mumbles to himself as he walks, an almost blank look on his face] Their dead. I couldn't even save Rhys for Gwen, and now so man people are dead. Why doesn't the blood come off......

[ooc: *cough* Do to his recent interaction with Simm!Master, Jack's mental state has gone from somewhat bad but manageable, to  a few steps from just loosing it completely. Which, of course, reflects on his reality, which in turn makes things worse >>

Oh, and just for the record; any post before this is basically pre!return, so he'll be his normal self there u-u]

Comments

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[a pause] ...Did you kill someone intentionally?

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head once, looking down] I really did try to save them. Tried to save them all, tried to save at least one...I failed. Had to be a way to stop them, but couldn't even figre it out; I might as well have killed them myself.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[sternly] That isn't murder, Harkness. I don't want to hear you calling yourself that again unless it is actually the case.

[back to a calm sort of tone] It's just failure - there's nothing to be done about it now.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

Nothing to do about it now, always next time...except next time they still die, and I can't even join them honorably.

Sacrificing your life doesn't mean crap if you're just going to wake up again.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

That's what this type of work is - equal parts death and protection. If they die, you have to try to keep the ones still alive safe. Even if they die, you're still there, soldier, and dying won't bring any of them back. [he rests his hand on Jack's shoulder]

You can't save everyone. All you can do is... do what you can with what you have. If you can just wake up again, it means you can take a bullet for a soldier under you or a civilian caught up in the fray.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[nods, but just continues to look at the Brigadier numbly, finally speaking up moments later] What if I'm tired of being the one that survives?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Then you retire - and you hope whomever takes your position does they best they can.

[hard exhale] Otherwise, you've got a duty to uphold. Not just to yourself, but to whoever is under you.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head slowly, looking down at the blood] I can't do that. The Doctor can't fix me, can't make me better again....Torchwood has been the only thing that I had to work for after I found him. If I leave...what then?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

And how can you work for Torchwood if you're like this, Harkness? Not the blood, but your head. I know shock when I see it - sometimes a few days of leave can fix it. Sometimes it never quite leaves.

[he pauses] You can't let yourself fall apart over something that can't be prevented now.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[shakes his head again, eyes looking more unfocused than ever] Give me a few days here, then I can go back and start acting again, pretending for their sake...

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

That's basically what being an officer is. No matter how terrified you may be, you can't let anyone know or see. If you do, everything falls to Hell.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

They did just fine when I left them, back when it was all four.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

A group can operate without the leader temporarily, yes. You came back, though? If all of them were still alive and they saw you break down like this, they'd feel it as well. A terrified leader terrifies the troops.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

What about a leader who's a coward?

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Then that leader had better learn how to carry on despite their cowardice or step down.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

Once a coward always a coward, that's what they say...

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Captain - that's enough. Self-pitying and wallowing in depression won't solve a bloody thing.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

What the hell does it matter?! [i's the first time he's raised his voice; anger is clear on his face, though he doesn't look directly at the Brigadier] Time doesn't pass while I'm here, I don't age....I could be gone a hundred fucking years and they wouldn't notice!

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[Brig is unaffected by the anger, not even raising his tone or putting the slightest inflection in it]

It matters if you don't recuperate. If you stayed here years but didn't attempt to improve, what good would it do for them? To have you return, suddenly with a hundred years of self-loathing and self-contempt that, to them, came within the blink of an eye.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

I'll just have to get better then, learn to pretend again.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[the Brig nods]

That's usually all that can be done, Harkness.

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

Just....give me time.

I'll come back to them, I always do.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

Good. Take a few days leave.

[he pulls out his swagger stick and idly thumps it in his hand]

But I better not hear about you going about self-pitying again. Understand me, Captain?

[itsthecoat.livejournal.com]

[he actually manages to smile at this, though it's only a ghost of his usual grin. still, he stands and salutes the Brigadier, standing at attention as before] Yes, sir.

[barelyemoting.livejournal.com]

[he salutes back]

And try not to beat yourself up too much over the past. It's never productive.