realityshifted | first scheme: the graceful debutant

[In the milliseconds after Edgar first appears on the Plane, he cycles through a variety of emotions at such high speed it's a wonder he doesn't get whiplash. He stumbles forwards and then drops to his hands and knees in terror. He is not using his Indoor Voice when he exclaims,]

Ah--! Holy mother of fuck!

[There's a pause as his fingers tense and untense against the "floor" and he tries to come to terms with what he's seeing.]

Oh, my god. I'm in fucking space. I'm in space. This has gotta be a dream. No fucking question.

[He squeezes his eyes closed. Deliberately,]

I... am... dreaming.

[Edgar lets out a nervous laugh and carefully gets to his feet, bracing for balance as if he were on a sailboat riding a tidal wave. A look of dark, uncertain understanding crosses his face.]

...Or this is just the town? The town is doing weird shit again. Oh, god. [As if shouting at some invisible overseer,] This isn't fucking funny! I liked you better with ground! God damn it! [He points at the Colosseum in the distance and, I'll have you know, hasn't taken History or Geography since the eighth grade.] What the fuck is that? Is this fucking Egypt now? Is this the best you can do? Fuck! Motel, town, space, you're a fucking asshole!

[He looks around venomously, runs a hand restlessly through his hair and takes a couple of uncertain steps. To himself,] I'm yelling at nothing. At space. Okay, yeah, that sounds like a good plan, gets lots of shit done.

I gotta stop drinking.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Edgar snort-laughs.] You got it made. You could be a dentist too. Like, 'just lie back, Doctor Explosion will be here to drill your teeth out.'

[Nathan recoils a bit with a look of horror. No. Never dentists. Never ever dentists.]

Oh my god no fucking way. I s- I seriously would never. Ever. EVER. Be a fucking dentist. That'd be like. Putting on a sign saying 'hey guys, I have no desire to live, I'm gonna go commit suicide in a few days, goodbye forever'.

Eughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Do you know that dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession? It's fucking creepy!

[He smirks.] What, you don't like them rubbery hands all over your teeth with sharp pointy shit? I ain't been to a dentist in like, I don't know, seven years, something like that. But I think you'd make a awesome dentist. You should go for it, dude.

God, no. I only went to a dentist recently because my manager forced me, dentists are creepy, I fucking hate them. I mean, okay, I made friends with my dentist but to further prove my fucking point that they're suicidal weirdos.

We went on a hunting trip and he blew his head off next to me. [He shudders a bit.] Seriously, do you really want someone with nothing to live for messing with your teeth?

[Edgar looks mildly alarmed.] Wow, uh, that kind of... really? That sucks.

Yeah. But if you haven't seen one for seven years, hey, you're totally doing okay. Keep... not seeing them.

Yeah, if they're gonna blow their heads off in front of me, don't think I would. Hope he wasn't too good of a friend.

We were pals, but whatever. It doesn't matter, you know? He's dead now, can't, uh, undead somebody.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Pretty much how I think about it too. Makes me wonder, people who hate their lives end up dentists, or dentists end up hating their lives?

Oh man. It could totally be either. Like, okay, if dentists end up hating their lives, I can totally get that. It's a profession where you stare into people's mouths all day. It's gross. And imagine how many people with bad breath you'd have to deal with.

And if it's people who hate their lives becoming dentists, well, uh. Like if you hate yourself so damn much, you know, dealing with people's mouths and bad breath all day mean nothing to you.

Yeah, yeah, I get you. I mean why the fuck would you wanna look at peoples' teeth? I bet they get all these hillbillies who've never seen a damn toothbrush. Like all this shit stuck in their teeth. Guess it doesn't matter much, right, end game is all the same however it starts.

Yeah. [Pause.] I gave a speech to Harvard graduates about that a few years ago. The whole everyone is going to die eventually thing. Not... about hillbilly teeth...

Why'd you give a speech to Harvard?

Charles set it up. Man, I don't even fucking know why, we were just being given honorary degrees or something and then I had to read a speech. I would have rather stayed home.

Maybe you should'a stuck to hillbilly teeth, man, that's heavy shit for a Harvard grad.

[He chuckles.]

No way. I totally had to make sure those fuckers knew their education? Meant nothing. Who gives a fuck, you're going to be dead anyway.

first scheme: the graceful debutant

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject