realityshifted | (no subject)

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life on mars (d1) sam tyler

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[sitting at a desk in the middle of the Astral Plane, working on his paperwork like a good little nancy boy. And, like a good little nancy boy, he's listening to a broadway musical. On the glasses Fumie gave him, to be specific.

In fact, he's singing along to one. Yes indeed, Sam's singing "If You Were Gay."]

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It can't be any worse than what he has done or will do to me. And if the Doctor is assisting you, perhaps I can help, as well. [keeps watching him] I do not understand how to love others, Sam Tyler. I was fond of certain companions, but ... it was not the same. Is your love the same for all those you care for?

[shrugs, giving him a mischievous look] I see no reason to tell you if you won't tell me what he has done to you.

I'm not playing that game. I just... don't feel like talking about it, all right? [turns the pen over again, then taps the desk with his fingers] No, the love isn't the same for everyone. But it's still love. Just... different love. Every love is different.

Do I have much of a choice? [reaches out and touches his hand, halting the pen tapping] How do you know if it's love, then, and not simply acceptance, or fondness?

[considers for a moment, and then looks up at her with a smile] Gut instinct.

[blinks] I do not understand.

[laughs softly] Coppers instincts, TARDIS. You look at 'em and you go, "Oh, that's love, isn't it?" and the thought of it being love is as natural as breathing. Not saying it's easy, 'cause breathing can be hell at times. Don't know if you know that. And maybe you question it, sometimes. But you know it, right here. [snaps by his forehead, Gene Genie style] That's all I need to know.

I do not breathe, no. [watches him carefully] So you look at others and simply know how you feel? I look at you and think you are a reserved, secretive man who is afraid of more than he cares to admit. Is that the same as knowing love? I know I love the Doctor, for instance, since he first hid inside me while playing with Koschei.

I don't always just know, sometimes it just- [stops, looks at her, frowning] I'm not... 'secretive.' Or afraid. I just... Anyway, judging character isn't the same as knowing your own emotions. [pulls his hand out from under hers, looking down at a page, turning it, and writing something in] It's different. It's harder.

You do not like to talk about yourself. And you are afraid of what the Master did to you. That's why you don't wish to talk about it, isn't it? [frowns, looking down at the page herself, reading what he's writing almost reflexively, storing it away in her memory banks] Why is it so difficult?

Because pointing a finger at someone else is a hell of a lot easier than self-reflection. It's easier to pick someone else apart than see yourself for who you are. And acknowledging your own emotions is part of that.

[thinks about this a moment, looking away, then nods] I see. And yet ... I felt I knew myself well, Sam Tyler, before I began talking with you. Why do I not feel that way now?

Maybe you got a wake-up call. It usually takes another person to force you to acknowledge the things you don't want to be aware of.

I want not to be aware of them, then. I was content before. I do not appreciate what you have done.

[smiles wryly, jotting something down] Guess we're both cowards, then, aren't we?

[narrows her eyes] I am not a coward.

More afraid than you're willilng to admit...

I am not -- [cuts herself off, glowering] You frustrate me, Sam Tyler.

I get that a lot.

Then why do you persist? What do you hope to gain from doing this?

The truth, I suppose.

The truth of what?

Any truth. Frustrating people isn't my purpose.

And yet you are so very good at doing it. [why yes, she's a hypocrite!] What is your purpose, Sam?

I could quote Avenue Q back at you in response, you know. I don't know. Narrow it down. What's my purpose in life? What's my purpose now? As a police officer? As a human being? I don't just have the one.

[frowns] What is your purpose in cofusing me? What is your purpose in talking with me as you are?