At the Bottom

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[River is sitting in the kitchen with a mug of tea. She's got both hands wrapped tightly about it, and is giving the vague impression that it is not warmth she seeks - but answers. Steam is curling upwards like fog]

Idiot.

[Her journal rests nearby]

Comments

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

My mind isn't what I am irritated at.

[and then she looks at him sharply, trying to decide something]

No, I can't even blame this one on you.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

[faintly amused] I can tell you're trying, though.

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[and her eyes are narrowing now]

You're right, I am.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

[the amusement fades, replaced with concern] What happened?

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[there is a glance at her journal, this bit won't be written down there]

I went and let myself shag Dr. Moon. Of all the ridiculous things.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

[laughs, because this is a joke, right?]

No, really.

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

No.

[is she laughing?]

Really.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

[Oh.]

Well. That's---

[and cue confusion] Isn't Dr. Moon just a template for the actual moon above the Library, though? Does he even know how to---

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[sharply]

Every book in the universe. Don't you think there is one or two on the subject?

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

Oh.

Well---I mean, that's---

[awkward sniff] Did he model himself on Don Juan, then?

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

Is that what you think I --- Just because that one time --

[she pushes her tea mug away]

He modeled himself after someone that was there. He was there, do you understand? There are no more shadows, Doctor. No more danger. Everyone can busy themselves building back up their lives. Miss Evangalista and Anita just moved in together. Dave's opened a shop. Other Dave went and got himself a girl as well. It is what that place does. Only none of it is real.

Dr. Moon sensed I was lonely, I suppose. It fulfilled its programming and offered what it thought I needed the most.

And I let it happen.

[and, again]

Idiot.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

What one time---No, no, I don't imagine I do want to know.

[the Doctor's not entirely sure what to say, of course. So he sits there, awkwardly, for a few moments]

Nah, not an idiot. Just someone who's lonely, we all make mistakes when we're lonely.

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

It's not real.

[her hands brace against the table]

And I promised myself I would never pretend that it was.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

Who says it's not real? Energy and emotions, those are real. Those things your friends in there have, aren't those real?

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[this is an old argument, her arms cross]

Not enough.

A year from now, a thousand years from now when an asteroid slams into the library and the core goes dark? What will be left? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing for people like me to come and discover a hundred centuries from now.

I'm a ghost, Doctor. And you and I both know it.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't tell me this is all about archeology.

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

It's about leaving something of yourself behind.

[her gaze narrows, she pushes away from the table to stand, and then she proceeds to pour the entire contents of her mug of tea into the Doctor's lap]

Like that.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

[and he hops up, crying out while he tries to brush the hot liquid off of his clothes]

Ow! First a bruise on my jaw, now burns on my---

[he tries to retain a little dignity, but looks more than a little pathetic]

You leave more than just things behind, River. The people you interact with, here, the life you've lived. It all matters!

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

[she closes the distance between them to stare up at him]

The people I interact with here, who go back to their lives. The life I lived, before.

But what about what's in there? Who is going to remember that? How can that matter? And I just stripped down and fully buried myself in it and for what?

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

And when I travel alone, not affecting anyone but me, does that change anything? Does that make me wrong? Sure, I might leave something behind, but it doesn't make what you do less important.

[beat] That being said, I'm not entirely sure you and Dr. Moon would work out. He's a doctor, yeah, but I remember you told me mechanoids were rubbish.

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

What, exactly, do I do anymore?

[Dr. Moon wasn't the -- Fine Doctor. Two can play at that]

Jealous?

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

You live, River. You create new memories, you fight back oblivion. Most people would leap at that chance. [the Doctor included]

What? No! I was just---It just---don't try to turn this back on me!

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

I died fighting. [she walks back to the stove to put on more tea. These conversations make him hard to see] This is something else.

[but she does smile, if tightly]

Is that what I'm doing?

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

But you didn't die, River. I saved you! [this is v v important]

[everybody-lives.livejournal.com]

That's right. You saved. Just like I was, but not what will be.

[she puts the kettle on]

But for what?