realityshifted

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doctor who (d8) ianto jones

✘ 01

[Ianto’s stood on the Astral Plane, looking confused and more than a little concerned over his situation.]

…it must be the Rift. It doesn’t make sense any other way. But why didn’t we pick up anything on the scans? We’d just about got the monitors working again. We should have been able to tell if there was any activity. Unless they were faulty again... that really wouldn’t be all that surprising given how things are right now. Oh, God… Tosh… I can’t just leave her by herself. I’ve got to find a way back.

[He reaches up to his ear, attempting to work his already faulty headset. Unable to get it to work, he sighs, running a hand through his hair.] Hopefully she’ll think of something. The Rift Manipulator; maybe if she could get that working… no… there’re too many risks in that.

[He frowns, unable to think of any other solutions.] But there’s got to be something she can do…

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Is that what you're going to do then, go back and forgot our whole conversation, forget that you even saw mer and that it's just a little longer before we stop the Master?

I could just erase the second half. Besides; it's not as if I'll remember it once he's defeated, anyway.

[Let's out a growl, because it's all he can do to keep from loosing his temper] Why can't you guys just listen to me for once? How am I suppose to believe you won't try to rescue me from the Valiant if you're not even considering what I'm saying now!

[He glares up at him, not even trying to free himself.] Because if I retcon myself I won't even know where to find you.

[returns the glare evenly, his hold tightening on Ianto] Fine then, do what you want. Just remember this; you may not be willing to forgive me for leaving, but I forgave you for Lisa, [and then he's let go and shoved himself off Ianto, intent on pushing himself back to his feet]

[Ianto snarls; aiming a kick at Jack's legs, fully intending to knock him back down.] That was different. I loved her.

[The kick catches Jack off-guard, he hadn't been expecting something like that from Ianto, so it causes him to loose his footing, his body hitting th floor with a muffled thud] Two people, civilians, died because you were unwilling to let her go. She you watched her almost kill the rest of the team, but still went back to her the first chance you got!

[Ianto quickly picks himself up, promptly moving to pin Jack down.] You think I don't care about that? That people died and it was my fault? But that was my fault, not hers. I couldn't abandon her... not when we'd got so far. That's the difference between me and you, Jack. You leave; I don't.

[Jack doesn't move out of the way quickly enough, and finds himself pinned under Ianto] I came back; I turned down the very thing I'd been waiting for for almost two hundred years because I didn't want to leave you!

[He tightens his grip on Jack's wrists, teeth clenched and breathing heavily.] So what? You left us. And now two of the team are dead because you left us when we needed you.

[Jack still doesn't struggle, his own hands clenching into fists] They're going to come back, everyone is! [His eyes narrow] I have watched more people come and go, more friends and lovers die than the amount of people you've even met. Don't you lecture me on sticking around, Ianto Jones, because where do you think I'm going to be when every single one of you is dead?

That's not the point. They're dead now-- so are so many others we might've been able to save. Do you really think bringing them back makes any difference to what's happening now?

[He leans closer, tightening his grip even more.] I'll lecture you on whatever I want to, sir. You act like your immortality makes you so superior; like none of the rest of us can possibly understand anything. But you know what? We can. Just because you're going to be around for years to come, that doesn't mean we don't miss you when you go off without even warning us. That doesn't mean we're incapable of mourning those who do die. And it's about time someone told you that.

Yes I do, because none f them will know it even happened!

[Jack's expression doesn't falter, his whole body now perfectly still] You talk about it like I chose this, like I'm proud of the fact I don't stay dead. And I'm sorry for assuming you can't understand things you've never experienced. You think Torchwood One was bad, with screaming and survivors and victims all around you? I was stuck in a Game station floating above an almost-dead Earth. I spent who knows how long surrounded by nothing but dead bodies and the dust of what was once a whole species around me. I watched him leave me behind, and I was left with nothing to do but try and fix my writs strap to go back in time, clinging to the one hope I had of not spending eternity surrounded by nothing but death and silence.

So why can't I forget what happens to Tosh?

[Ianto's doesn't falter either, but rather than remaining completely still he's shaking with anger.] And you talk about it as though we chose to be the way we are. You assume too much. You didn't even see Torchwood One; just sent your team out to scavenge the ruins and bring you back a list of casualties. Well, did you ever consider looking up how many survived? Less than 100- less than 20 if you only include those who weren't partially converted. You said yourself they weren't really people anymore. Would you really call consider that being surrounded by screaming and survivors? How do you think I managed to get Lisa out without being noticed? There weren't enough people left to notice. I'd be surprised you didn't notice something if you didn't spend so much time wallowing in self-pity. That you never noticed I was lying to you. That I was spending just as much time in the Hub as you. But you never did, did you? So long as someone brought you coffee and cleaned up after you. So long as there was someone there who didn't seem to mind your lewd comments. It never even occurred to you that you're not the only one who suffers. Did it?

Because you actually have a choice!

[Jack himself can no longer stay still, his whole body filled with rage. His expression changes, though, into a mockingly sweet smile] Is that how you justify yourself? Is that how you wash your hands of their blood, convince yourself that yo had to have done the right thing, because you didn't really have a choice? You go on and on about how I never paid attention, how I should have realized what was wrong. But guess what Ianto; I'm not your fucking babysitter. I let you join Torchwood Three because I expected you to take care of problems, not cause more of them. There was no reason for me to watch your every move, to try and open up to you. Do you think you're that special, that you deserved more care and attention than the rest of the team simply because you stayed quiet? Nobody said you had to become secluded, nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to stay in the background and simply watch the rest of us. That loneliness, that exclusion....you brought it all upon yourself, because you were too self-centered to think that if you distanced yourself from us, we'd simply let you be.

So isn't that my choice to make?

[Ianto growls, releasing one of Jack's arms and delivering a punch to his face before replying.] I didn't have a choice. It was Lisa. I had to try; I owed her that much. I never said I wanted more attention the rest of them. I just didn't want less than the rest of them put together. After the lengths I went to so I could get into Torchwood Three I don't understand why you let me distance myself from you so easily. Fine; so nobody made me stay quiet... nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to act like that. I did it because it made things easier for me. But you did hold a gun to my head and try and force me to kill the girl I loved. Don't tell me you've already managed to forget that?

And you're going to make the wrong one.

[Jack doesn't retaliate, though his nails are digging into his palm hard enough to break the skin] You lied to me! You lied to all of us, sneaked her in behind our backs, used me to try and revive your dead girlfriend, and you feel betrayed that I did what I thought was right and simply let you be like you wanted? You complain about me letting you distance yourself and then tell me that you did it because it made it easier for you in the same breath; at the very least make up your mind about why you hate me. You saw what she had become, heard her talk about turning the Hub into another conversion unit; did you think I was just going to stand around and let a repeat of Torchwood One happen? I did to save those who were still human!

You said yourself I'm not going to be able to look at her without thinking about what's going to happen to her. I can't just carry on like normal when I knowing the one friend I have left is going to die.

I lied to you because I loved her. She was still Lisa at first; even at the end there was still some of her left in there somewhere. You didn't see her when you sent me in alone. You didn't hear some of the things she said. No matter how little of her was left, she wasn't completely gone. I still don't believe that. I told you why I hated you, and I told you why I hated myself. They're two different things, Jack. Believe it or not I don't think I'm blameless. I saw what she'd become, and I don't blame you for stopping her. But that doesn't mean you had to order me to kill her. What right did you have to even try to make me do that? [He stands up, turning his back; he knows that probably isn't his best option but he really doesn't care.]

It's not the right way of dealing with it! You can't start taking retcon every time you hear something you don't want to.

DO you think I did that just to be cruel? Do you think I did as some form of punishment? You may have betrayed me then, but my emotions had nothing to do with that decision!I was giving you a chance to end things yourself, to gain some sort of closure on your relationship with Lisa! As much as you hate me now, you would have hated me even worse if I'd simply shot her myself. You said it yourself; you were partially to blame, and putting Lisa out of her misery would've been your absolution. Have you even forgiven yourself for putting her through that just because you were unwilling to let go? [Jack is stubborn, however; he's unwilling to let the argument go unresolved, but refuses to back out either. He himself stands up, placing a hand on Ianto's shoulder and turning him around to facce him]

How else am I supposed to deal with something that hasn't happened yet.

[Ianto turns, but shrugs off Jack's hand with a glare.] You did it because I betrayed you. You're not stupid enough to think that having me kill her would help anything. You didn't even give me that option at first; you weren't exactly intending her to survive that pterodactyl attack, were you? You can go on about absolution all you like, but even if that was the case I don't need it. That's not something I deserve. I've never felt guilty for refusing to let her go, I believed she could be saved. I still think it could've been possible if we'd had enough patience with finding someone. The only guilt I've ever felt is that I had to betray you to get as far as I did, and that people that died because I didn't keep watch of her like I should've. I feel guilty because I couldn't do anything to save her even though I promised her I would. The one thing I don't regret is that I did everything I could not to let her go.

Edited 2008-05-25 04:05 (UTC)

You learn to not let the deaths get to you.

Do you think you were the first one to try? Yo may have loved her, but you have to understand; there was nothing you could have done to save her. Those that are converted, even partially, loose the part of themselves that makes them human. I told you this over and over, but you were too stupid and too emotionally invested to listen to me. When you saw Myfawyny begin to attack her, it took two of us to keep you from trying to save her; there was no way I could've simply walked in there and shot her, not while you were still alive!

You mean like you? Hundreds of years old, and yet you still can't manage to keep your mouth shut about things that haven't happened to me yet.

No; I doubt I'll be the last, either. And one day someone's going to succeed. Don't just think you know everything, because you really don't. You barely knew her after she was converted, and not at all before. You didn't spend any time alone with her. There was some humanity left in her, whether you saw that or not. I couldn't just pretend she was nothing more than some screwed up metal monster. She was so much more than that. Even at the end there was still some of Lisa left. Not much, but enough so that I knew she was still there. I've told you this countless time, but you never listen. I would've rather you'd just killed both of us than have you even ask me to shoot someone I'd worked so hard to protect.

[Jack stays quiet for a long moment, simply watching Ianto. The next moment, however, his arm has reared back then lunged forward, fist connection with the side of Ianto's jaw. He's no longer looking at him, but at the floor; the punch wasn't the strongest he could muster, but it was still pretty close] Don't you ever dare say something like that to my face again! You can hate me all you want, kill me yourself if it makes you feel any better, but I will not let you die for as long as I can help it, much less kill you myself! You and Gwen are all I have left, damnit, all I have to protect, and I refuse to let either one of you go, especially now! I will not make the same mistake as Alex; Suies, Tosh's, and Owen's blood are already on my hands. I will not loose you two as well!

['Pretty close' is strong enough to knock Ianto down, but he doesn't make any move to stand up. He just lays there, glaring up defiantly until what Jack's just said sinks in.] What... what happened to Owen?

[Jack doesn't respond, just let's his arm fall limply at his side. He straightens up and walks over to Ianto, both his expression and his tone blank, unreadable] Get up.

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