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realityshifted2009-01-23 05:06 pm
pimp-my-legend.livejournal.com) wrote in realityshifted2009-01-23 05:06 pm
Entry tags:
oo2
{Excalibur appears on the Plane, throwing what looks like a rather large book onto the ground, using it as a pedestal to stand on.}
Welcome, once again, residents of the great observatory of the many universes who, by now, are all clamoring for the chance to be my technician!!! Do not fret, my potential partners, for becoming my technician is not hard at all. To become my technician, all you must do is successfully complete the one thousand tasks I have listed here!
{Motions to the book under his feet}
But! In this new day and age, I realize that children do not like to read, so I will do you the favor of reading it for you!! Come, take a seat, and listen...
1.My mornings start off with a cup of coffee.
2.Pickles shall always be kosher.
3.My fireplace shall always be stocked with the finest hickory and oak.
4.Spandex-clad superheros are absolutely not allowed in my presence.
5.Peanuts must always be shelled by hand.
6.The only juice that is acceptable is grape juice and apple juice picked from select orchards in Mississippi.
7.Always take my keys with you in case of emergency.
8.Any light bulbs in my residence must be energy efficient.
9.When accepting a delivery, only bubble wrap will be tolerated.
10. My tissues must be of the highest quality.
11. The only scented candles permitted are bayberry candles.
12. When taking a bath, I must have both bath salts and bubbles.
13. Clocks must be perfectly on time according to England.
14. When painting, only oil-based paints can be used.
15. The volume on the stereo system must always be at 67%.
16. When building a house of cards, the base must consist of only Jacks.
17. Do not eat yellow snow.
18. Morning exercises must by conducted with the utmost rigor.
19. Before eating, my food must always be tasted by another in case of poison.
20. When with Christians, do not mention my legend without my presence.
21. An ally is always important in battle.
22. A refreshing morning begins with a refreshing greeting.
23. Attending elementary school every day is required.
24. When speaking with the mayor to accept awards, he must have a mustache to look at me.
25. When you walk, you are not propelling yourself, you are propelling everything around you.
26. Cords must always be hypoallergenic.
27. Widows are no laughing matter.
28. Always start a race five meters ahead of other contestants.
29. Numbers should always be written in red ink.
30. When walking, watch out for holes.
31. Furniture must be rearranged daily.
32. Any music composed in my honor must feature a beautiful woman singing.
33. Always reply to me promptly.
34. When attending my daily readings, you must not fall asleep.
35. You must always cite other people's works when writing a paper.
36. Warping reality with my power is forbidden.
37. All issues must be dealt with internally.
38. Scaling mountain peaks requires supervision by a Yeti.
39. On holiday, you must always prepare me a ham.
40. Sometimes, it's necessary to praise me.
41. If you encounter aliens, you must treat them with the utmost respect.
42. When purchasing a magazine subscription, always use a credit card.
43. The face of my technician must never be more beautiful than mine.
44. You may only ride ponies, never horses, until I deem you worthy to progress.
45. You must always remain faithful to Excalibur.
46. Always remember your inhibitions.
47. Water expands when it is frozen.
48. When playing rugby, you may never tackle Excalibur.
49. Freeing an oppressed people must be handled with skill and care.
50. Always stay true to your principles.
51. Complaints must be filed with the management.
52. I am not insane.
53. When I'm splitting wood, you must stand 5.6 meters away.
54. You may never receive a promotion.
55. Crimes must never go unpunished.
56. I will only permit red roses.
57. You are responsible for your responsibilites as my technician.
58. When I'm humming a tune to myself, you must not speak.
59. You must always follow the ethics of chivalry.
60. Thou shall not steal.
61. Chalk is only used on chalkboards.
62. You must never be absent from classes.
63. You may never beat Excalibur's high scores.
64. Discrimination will not be tolerated.
65. Never impose on another, unless it violates one of the thousand rules.
66. Steak must be prepared on even days of the month with the temperature is below 40 degrees.
67. All results must be calculated using the scientific method.
68. Halfbaked ideas are not acceptable.
69. All actions must be with justification.
70. While bad things are lamentable, you must always look forward.
71. My neckerchief must be cleaned daily.
72. I will remind you of these rules when I feel it's necessary.
73. Fires must never go unextinguished.
74. What I decree cannot be altered.
75. Excalibur's birthday must be celebrated in a grand manner.
76. Beef-eaters are absolutely not allowed in my home.
77. Show your appreciation to Excalibur every afternoon.
78. Uncharitable actions are unforgivable.
79. If you are spouseless when you become Excalibur's tech, you will remain spouseless forever.
80. Excalibur is always a sympathizer, so tell him of your troubles.
81. Sugarcandy is the only candy that is acceptable for Excalibur.
82. If you become a castaway, turtles' blood makes a good drink.
83. Your behavior must always be exemplary.
84. If Excalibur faints, catch him with your right hand.
85. Your undying devotion to Excalibur is required.
86. Jackals are dangerous, so avoid them.
87. If you become hard of hearing, buy a hearing aid.
88. Bloodless beings are not edible.
89. The crown defects against a potato!
90. Match your Contact List from my Cellphone
91. Don't forget to take your anti-malaria tablets before, during and after your trip.
92. Don't empty the fruit machine immediately or the barman will throw you out.
93. Always swing an axe away from your body.
94. Learn to walk before you run.
95. Do not leave an unattended fire.
96. Do not allow lifts to go up half-empty.
97. Mop up all spillages as soon as possible.
98. Leave enough to to make your connection to the next flight.
99. Never cover a gas appliance or block the convection air vents.
100. Plastic see-through containers are good.
101. The purpose of the difficult service is to set up your opponent for the next, killer, stroke.
But this is just a preview!
{He flips the cane and leans on it slightly}
You think that I would really tell you all the rules? You're too inexperienced to understand them all.
Welcome, once again, residents of the great observatory of the many universes who, by now, are all clamoring for the chance to be my technician!!! Do not fret, my potential partners, for becoming my technician is not hard at all. To become my technician, all you must do is successfully complete the one thousand tasks I have listed here!
{Motions to the book under his feet}
But! In this new day and age, I realize that children do not like to read, so I will do you the favor of reading it for you!! Come, take a seat, and listen...
1.My mornings start off with a cup of coffee.
2.Pickles shall always be kosher.
3.My fireplace shall always be stocked with the finest hickory and oak.
4.Spandex-clad superheros are absolutely not allowed in my presence.
5.Peanuts must always be shelled by hand.
6.The only juice that is acceptable is grape juice and apple juice picked from select orchards in Mississippi.
7.Always take my keys with you in case of emergency.
8.Any light bulbs in my residence must be energy efficient.
9.When accepting a delivery, only bubble wrap will be tolerated.
10. My tissues must be of the highest quality.
11. The only scented candles permitted are bayberry candles.
12. When taking a bath, I must have both bath salts and bubbles.
13. Clocks must be perfectly on time according to England.
14. When painting, only oil-based paints can be used.
15. The volume on the stereo system must always be at 67%.
16. When building a house of cards, the base must consist of only Jacks.
17. Do not eat yellow snow.
18. Morning exercises must by conducted with the utmost rigor.
19. Before eating, my food must always be tasted by another in case of poison.
20. When with Christians, do not mention my legend without my presence.
21. An ally is always important in battle.
22. A refreshing morning begins with a refreshing greeting.
23. Attending elementary school every day is required.
24. When speaking with the mayor to accept awards, he must have a mustache to look at me.
25. When you walk, you are not propelling yourself, you are propelling everything around you.
26. Cords must always be hypoallergenic.
27. Widows are no laughing matter.
28. Always start a race five meters ahead of other contestants.
29. Numbers should always be written in red ink.
30. When walking, watch out for holes.
31. Furniture must be rearranged daily.
32. Any music composed in my honor must feature a beautiful woman singing.
33. Always reply to me promptly.
34. When attending my daily readings, you must not fall asleep.
35. You must always cite other people's works when writing a paper.
36. Warping reality with my power is forbidden.
37. All issues must be dealt with internally.
38. Scaling mountain peaks requires supervision by a Yeti.
39. On holiday, you must always prepare me a ham.
40. Sometimes, it's necessary to praise me.
41. If you encounter aliens, you must treat them with the utmost respect.
42. When purchasing a magazine subscription, always use a credit card.
43. The face of my technician must never be more beautiful than mine.
44. You may only ride ponies, never horses, until I deem you worthy to progress.
45. You must always remain faithful to Excalibur.
46. Always remember your inhibitions.
47. Water expands when it is frozen.
48. When playing rugby, you may never tackle Excalibur.
49. Freeing an oppressed people must be handled with skill and care.
50. Always stay true to your principles.
51. Complaints must be filed with the management.
52. I am not insane.
53. When I'm splitting wood, you must stand 5.6 meters away.
54. You may never receive a promotion.
55. Crimes must never go unpunished.
56. I will only permit red roses.
57. You are responsible for your responsibilites as my technician.
58. When I'm humming a tune to myself, you must not speak.
59. You must always follow the ethics of chivalry.
60. Thou shall not steal.
61. Chalk is only used on chalkboards.
62. You must never be absent from classes.
63. You may never beat Excalibur's high scores.
64. Discrimination will not be tolerated.
65. Never impose on another, unless it violates one of the thousand rules.
66. Steak must be prepared on even days of the month with the temperature is below 40 degrees.
67. All results must be calculated using the scientific method.
68. Halfbaked ideas are not acceptable.
69. All actions must be with justification.
70. While bad things are lamentable, you must always look forward.
71. My neckerchief must be cleaned daily.
72. I will remind you of these rules when I feel it's necessary.
73. Fires must never go unextinguished.
74. What I decree cannot be altered.
75. Excalibur's birthday must be celebrated in a grand manner.
76. Beef-eaters are absolutely not allowed in my home.
77. Show your appreciation to Excalibur every afternoon.
78. Uncharitable actions are unforgivable.
79. If you are spouseless when you become Excalibur's tech, you will remain spouseless forever.
80. Excalibur is always a sympathizer, so tell him of your troubles.
81. Sugarcandy is the only candy that is acceptable for Excalibur.
82. If you become a castaway, turtles' blood makes a good drink.
83. Your behavior must always be exemplary.
84. If Excalibur faints, catch him with your right hand.
85. Your undying devotion to Excalibur is required.
86. Jackals are dangerous, so avoid them.
87. If you become hard of hearing, buy a hearing aid.
88. Bloodless beings are not edible.
89. The crown defects against a potato!
90. Match your Contact List from my Cellphone
91. Don't forget to take your anti-malaria tablets before, during and after your trip.
92. Don't empty the fruit machine immediately or the barman will throw you out.
93. Always swing an axe away from your body.
94. Learn to walk before you run.
95. Do not leave an unattended fire.
96. Do not allow lifts to go up half-empty.
97. Mop up all spillages as soon as possible.
98. Leave enough to to make your connection to the next flight.
99. Never cover a gas appliance or block the convection air vents.
100. Plastic see-through containers are good.
101. The purpose of the difficult service is to set up your opponent for the next, killer, stroke.
But this is just a preview!
{He flips the cane and leans on it slightly}
You think that I would really tell you all the rules? You're too inexperienced to understand them all.
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It is a simple matter of listening and reading to successfully learn everything I have said and more. Besides, there's the five hour long recitation session.
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